Generation X: Thanks To Your Shitty Parenting Skills, the First Amendment Has Become a Joke

By Cory Alexander Haywood    October 27, 2017
What is freedom of speech again? Oh that’s right – it’s that thing about being able to speak your mind freely in a country that allows unrestricted expression of thought.

This concept was originated to distinguish America from the less “sophisticated” countries like fascist North Korea where saying the wrong thing can get you (and your entire family) thrown behind bars, killed, or worse, anally-raped by Kim Jong Un.        

Long, long ago, in the 1980’s and 90’s, America was a bastion of free speech.

Notorious potty mouths like Howard Stern and Morton Downey Jr. polluted the radio and television landscape with language that would make Satan uncomfortable.

These iconic assholes reigned during an era when the handicapped were called “retards”; homosexuals were called “faggots”; and the term “little people” hadn’t materialized yet.

Anyone standing fewer than 4 feet was referred to simply as a “midget.”          

As time progressed, the country underwent stages of maturation and enlightenment.

Bit by bit, “insensitive” words and phrases were removed from America’s lexicon and gradually a system of censorship was implemented to preserve peace and diplomacy throughout the land (albeit futile thus far).

Alas, now that we have entered the golden age of political correctness, it behooves verbal assassins (like me) to police the words that fly out of our filthy mouths to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of

others, millennials in particular.  

Boy oh boy do I hate anyone between the ages of 18 and 30.

This demographic consists of young adults (and I use the word “adults” with caution) who clearly don’t support the “sticks and stones” mantra.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that words have the power to inflict lasting emotional and psychological trauma. (And if you’re Donald Trump, a poorly timed remark can potentially spark a riot or a world war).

But the heightened sensitivity level of most young Americans nowadays conflicts with the country’s first established constitutional right – free speech.

I remember Jerry Seinfeld once saying that he refuses to perform for college students because of how uptight and emotional they tend to be.

“They can’t take a joke,” he griped.

I second that notion – young people today lack the hard exterior necessary to absorb criticism or even laugh at a raunchy joke, especially if it’s race or gender related.

But I don’t blame them – the real culprits in this matter are their shitty parents (otherwise known as Generation X).

That’s right – if you were born during or shortly after President Richard Nixon’s Watergate scandal, I want you to cock your hand back and slap yourself hard across the fucking face.

You bastards are responsible for birthing millions of children who you coddled, sheltered and babied to utter oblivion.

Now the country is overflowing with legions of highly confused, highly entitled twenty and thirty something year old pansies who need positive reinforcement every 24 hours in order to avoid falling into a bottomless depression.  

This stems from all the pats on the ass they received as children for every little accomplishment, and the abundance of kisses and hugs they were given after every disappointment, stripping them of a backbone.

It originates from a generation of “new age” parents who celebrated 4th place trophies, participation awards, and moral victories.

It was spawned by the overbearing soccer moms who complained about poor sportsmanship after their son or daughter’s team was humiliated by a superior opponent (instead of demanding improvement).

It derives from the fathers who allowed their boys to wear dresses, and their girls to wear baggy jeans, interfering with the balance of nature.

It’s the consequence of selling impressionable children a pipe dream – that we live in a world where racism, sexism, greed, envy, and corruption don’t exist.

The parents of Generation X orchestrated the biggest con job in modern history, and as a result, America has become a powederkeg of emotional fragility and utter confusion.

These punk ass excuses for adults lack the emotional stability to let offensive language roll off their shoulders.

Instead, they’ve been programmed to whine, kick, and scream whenever someone or something (intentionally or unintentionally) hurts their feelings or challenges their belief system.        

So, with sincerity, I want to thank the parents of Gen X. Because of you, the first amendment is more of an idea these days than a constitutional right.

After all, your children’s “feelings” are far more important than American democracy.