White people, this is for you. And don't worry - I'm a certified nigga whisperer (so you're in good hands).
With respect to Bill Maher calling himself a “house nigga” on national television, I’ve decided to highlight what it would take for a white person to actually become an honorary Negro.
Let me start off by acknowledging that most of you would probably jump in front of a moving train if you woke up one day with brown skin.
I understand that feeling - there are days when I wake up in horror thinking that my skin is getting pale only to realize that I’m just ashy from showering the night before without putting on lotion (that’s a nigga
But for those of you (I’m still talking to white people) who crave acceptance from the black community – which makes no sense to me whatsoever – I’m going to give you a list of 5 steps that you must follow in order to receive an honorary nigga card.
By following these instructions, you too will be susceptible to getting pulled over by the police for no damn reason; your credit score will instantly plummet; you’ll gain enough coordination and rhythm to dance in step with any melody; you’ll suddenly develop a taste for barbeque pork ribs and collard greens; you’ll start to believe that OJ Simpson may be innocent of murdering that white girl; and you’ll finally begin to spank your bad ass kids (fuck that timeout bullshit y'all be doing).
Let’s get the ball rolling shall we?
If you’ve been diagnosed with an illness like diabetes or high blood pressure, you must ignore your doctor’s orders and stuff your gut with salty, fatty foods on a frequent basis.
If you really wanna channel your inner Negro, wait until your foot or leg turns blue or you’ve suffered a heart attack and then go see a doctor.
Black people don’t visit hospitals because we share a general mistrust toward the healthcare industry.
In addition, when our health is failing, we usually go to the nearest church for prayer.
We believe in praying afflictions away (like homosexuality).
Support every black cause on the agenda, even those you don’t agree with or that defy logic and reason.
When your black brethren rally around a specific issue, it’s your job as an honorary Negro to join the fight, even if it clashes with your morals and principles.
Failure to comply with the majority will result in the revocation of your honorary nigga card and you’ll subsequently be labeled a sellout and excommunicated from the entire community.
In other words, if your black peers decide that 2 + 2 = 5, it'll be in your best interest to denounce arithmetic.
Arrive late to every event you attend.
Black people aren’t fashionably late to places we go – it’s usually a matter of procrastination or a lack of sufficient directions.
As an honorary Negro, you’d be misrepresenting the group by arriving to events on time. That’s strictly prohibited.
You must arrive at least 15 minutes late or 90 minutes early (from misreading the invitation) in order to retain your “honorary” status.
Make a late payment on at least one house bill every month.
Not only are we generally late to the functions we attend, it’s almost tradition for us to avoid calls from bill collectors.
Paying your bills on time would most likely result in a decent credit score (which is against the rules).
Remember, after you receive your honorary nigga card, it prohibits you from resorting to old habits – and because white people take pride in being fiscally responsible, you MUST live beyond your means and spend
money frivolously (try buying some overpriced rims or a Gucci handbag).
Have sex with black people (something you probably do anyway or have thought about doing).
Bill Maher has completed this step with flying colors. To my knowledge, he bagged one of the big fish when he convinced dick-sucking extraordinaire Karrine “Supahead” Stephens to be his girlfriend.
As an honorary Negro, you must emulate Maher’s enthusiasm for Jungle Fever.
Seriously, black people do a whole lot of fucking, and in order to be one of us, you’re required to get some of that nigga loving. It’s non-negotiable.